United States of America
Note: this article describes Republican America not democrat/terrorist/gay America or the Iroquois Territories God's Chosen Country and, ergo, the Greatest Nation in the Universe. It was founded by the Founding Fathers and Jesus and Odin and any of the Hawaiian Gods/Goddesses (like anyone even stops to think about caring) before all of them were ultimately conquered by God in year 0. It is viewed as the the Israel for Christians, as was believed by the first Governor of Taxachusetts John Winthrop. It is widely acknowledged to be the greatest nation in the history of the universe. It is located on the continent of North America. Most importantly, America is a man, as evidenced by Florida. History See main article The History of The United States of America America's Geography States The United States consists of 50 states, 57 of which Barack Hussein Obama has visited. Here they are (in order of who gives a rip): # Texas 1.(b) Michigan - Lower Penninsula # Wyoming # Nebraska # Florida # Alabama # Mississippi # Almostmississippi (but got there just in time) # Idaho but then she ran away with a virginian # SSUWT (Southern States United Without Texas) - Texas gets its own state # Alawaii # Stephen Colbert County aka Jesusland # The big piece of everything else that Bush was too tired to name. (TBPOETBWTTTN) # Utah (originally named Itahitfirst) # Seattle # Whatattle # Thatattle # California # Chicago Louis # Michigan-Upper Penninsula # Arkansaw # Idaho # Canada # Haiti # Israel # Taiwan # Iraq # Puerto Rico? # Sainto-Domingo # The Communist State of Cuba # Heh, heh, heh, you da ho. # No I'm not, you da ho! # Yo mamma's a ho! # What'd you say about my momma?! # Honk kong 50. Massachusetts 51. Michigan Cities See category of American cities, here * Houston * Las Vegas Landmarks See category of American landmarks, here * Grand Canyon * Colbert Report City America's Accomplishments The accomplishments of the nation of America include, but are by no means limited to: * Making Adolf Hitler shoot himself in the head * Making Saddam Hussein hang himself * Vietnam War * Single handedly winning World War II * Single handedly creating & winning World War III IV V VI VII VIII, etc in the future * Having the balls to drop not 1, but 2 atomic bombs * Pretending that we had trouble winning wars * Then convincing an entire world we flew to the moon. * Schools/Educational System * Suing McDonalds for making people fat * Suing Mcdonalds for making coffee too hot * Bringing back slavery just to kick it's ass * Billion dollar research grants to help old men get boners * Bringing back the Snuff Film. * Billions invested in enlarging breasts so they'll be noticed no matter what the woman wears * Fighting for the freedom to Love Jesus * Fighting for the freedom for sinners to not love Jesus(...ungrateful bastards...) * The F-22 Raptor, so the enemy can't see what's coming. * Giving Michael Moore, Al Franken, and Al Gore jobs because OJ Simpson has already taken the coveted job of America's Lyingest Liar. * Supporting revolutions against very, very, very evil leftist South American governments to install gentle dictators such as the delightful Augusto Pinochet * Not dropping atomic bombs only to impress the Soviets * Liberating Iraq...15 times before the history of history before liberating them twice * Kicking ass * Taking names * Chewing bubble gum * Although for some inexplicable reason we seem to be all out of gum * Trying to get cancer daily. * Creating an alliance with God to create the world in Seven Days. God is presently working with his his dad's experts on an exit strategy. * Defeating commies in Vietnam, Korea, and Ye Olde Soviet Russia * Babying those pansyass French * Hiding extraterrestrial aliens from the rest of the world * Winning the Battle of 9/11 * Winning the War on Christmas * Having a drinking age of 21, so that America's youth don't end up like drunk beer-drinking Canadian youth and start beating up their girlfriends, killing people relentlessly, and committing crimes like being homosexual. * Being the home of one of the most truthiest news stations in existence (FOX) * Producing Stephen Jr. to gain access to Canadian air space as a covert surveillance technique, to collect intelligence on bears, French-Canadians, and subsequent sense of place. * The World Bank * Making Mr. Gorbachev tear down that wall! * Master Chief, enough said America's Inventions * Recreational deforestation * Outsourced slavery jobs for the poor * Freedom and Democracy at the same time * The Internets * Invented The Ten Commandments * Invented The Bible * Invented Earth * Invented the Moon then pretending to walk all over it. * Invented Freedom but had it outsourced to China for mass production. * Invented Crack * The development of Nutra-Sweet, Sucralose, etc., because sugar is for commies. * Invented Lindsay Lohan * Invented Mel Gibson, now THERE'S an AMERICAN! * Invented baseball * Invented basketball * Invented football * Let Canada invent hockey so they'd beat themselves up * Invented War * Invented Peace * Invented Hippies (by accident) * Invented Agent Orange (to torch Hippies) * invented the clapper * Invented the lightbulb * INVENTED A MACHINE TO TALK TO THE DEAD!!! * Fucked Megan Fox The War of Independence See main article United States Independence Day The United States was officially founded on July 4 in 1776 when the Lord our God said "let there be America". This was after a long and arduous struggle against the British Empire and against the combined forces ofScientology, the Covenant, some time-travling Nazis, and a herd of bears. This war was World War 0, and it was a very big war. It was well known that the American Continental Army was smaller and less well-equipped than the British Redcoat-Stormtroopers and their allies, but what the British didn't know was that the Master Chief had traveled through time and the boundaries of reality to aid the fledgling country. Upon arrival, the Chief (while suffering from a mild head cold brought about by the time/reality vortex) singlehandedly wiped out (using only two sticks and a rock) a 500 man British detachment marching on Philadelphia and then proceeded sink 32 British warships and one Nazi U-boat, captained by Karl Marx, that had fallen through a wormhole. The Chief then went to George Washington's camp and joined the Colonial Army. Since the Master Chief was from the United States Marine Core of the future, he already outranked almost everyone. After joining, a group of Covenant Phantoms that had seemingly followed the Chief through time attacked the Americans' camp. The Continentals were given the order to fall back and use gorilla warfare to fight the Grunts, Jackals, Hunters, and Brutes that were pouring out of the dropships. The only two people who did not fall back were on the front lines: Master Chief and Benjamin Martin (Mel Gibson from The Patriot). The two of them held off the Covenant for 7 hours while the American soldiers provided covering fire. The Chief killed about twice as many as Martin, but Martin had the most epic kill when he impaled three Brutes with the sharp end of an American Flag pole. Soon after the battle, the Arbiter arrived with the promise of rienforcements and Friedrich Wilhelm von Steuben arrived to teach the Americans how to shoot better. The Chief showed von Steuben how to make fully automatic weapons for the Colonial Army, but Steuben didn't like the idea of "vasteing ze ammo" and made them all fire in 3 round bursts. Master Chief then led Washington and his forces to Yorktown to confront the evil General Cornwallis. Many "historians" say that the French fleet came to assist the Americans, but this is based only slightly on reality. The truth was that a French pastry ship had docked at Yorktown and a couple of the Redcoat-Stormtroopers got food poisoning from the eclaires which hadn't kept well during the sea voyage. The actual rienforcements came from the Arbiter's fellow Elites who charged the British blockade in an iron-clad warship. The Elites' Shipmaster Rtas Vadum was said to have uttered the prase, "damn the plasma batteries full speed ahead," before literally breaking through a British warship. The Elites managed to prevent the British from pulling a frenchman and retreating to the sea. Master Chief and George Washington together fought their way into the British Command Bunker to confront Darth Cornwallis. When they arrived in the command center, they were surprised to see that Cornwallis was not in command of the Redcoat-Stormtroopers, but that the evil King of the Sith, Darth George III, in fact was. The King of the Sith attacked the Master Chief with his red lightsaber and the Chief fought back with a plasma sword. At the same time, General Washington was fighting Darth Cornwallis with his red, white, and blue lightsaber. The Chief fought Darth George III until they were over a (conveniently placed) pit full of boiling tea that was in the next room, and the Master Chief roundhouse kicked the Sith King in the face while simultaneously stealing his wallet, reloading his MA5B assault rifle, and Falcon-punching him in the gut. The Chief the knocked Darth George III into the vat of tea after saying, "you didn't like the Boston Tea Party? Well, take all the tea you want, you God-damn son of a bitch!" Master Chief returned to the command control room to find Darth Cornwallis pulling a frenchman and surrendering to General Washington. Master Chief then accompanied Benjamin Franklin to Paris so that he could officially accept the British surrender. While in Paris, a group of Nazis that had fallen through the same wormhole as the U-boat (see above) tried to capture France, they would have won if it hadn't been for the Chief. After killing all 784 Nazis, the Chief leaped through the wormhole, killed Hitler, and then returned to 1783. After returning to America, now-President Washington approached the Chief With the Declaration of Independence and told him he could sign it. Master Chief did just that. Most historians believe that there is a name that reads "John Hancock", but upon closer examination it clearly, actually says: "Master Chief Petty Officer John SPARTAN-117". The Master Chief then opened up a wormhole and traveled to Berlin so that he could watch himself kill Hitler, and probably tape it and put it on YouTube. It is also the last time that anyone claimed the French came to the aid of America or any country for that matter, even though it was actually the Arbiter and his Elites who came to the Americans' aid at Yorktown. The irony now is that Great Britain supports us and sends its men to die in conflicts we are engaged in (like true loyal friends) and the "cheese eating surrender monkeys" are doing what they do best. The French Indian War See main article French Indian War Somewhere in the 1700's America was forced to defend it sovereignty against Indians wearing berets, smoking Gauloises, and drinking fermented pig shit. They called it "pastis". With superior technology and leadership, America pushed the surrender monkeys into the frigid, bear infested, regions of Canada. Some may say that it was the British who fought the war with the French. But this is not true. They only participated in a supporting role cleaning up the bodies of French combatants as George Washington led the Americans in decisive battle after battle. As a gesture of good will George Washington gave the British rule over Canada. America's War Of Independence From Limey Squirrel Eaters See full article: World War 0 Noted Heroes of the War of Independence and All That it Stands for * Team America: World Police * George Washington * Stephen Colbert * George W. Bush * Jesus H. Christ * The Baby Jesus * Truthiness Monkeys * Killer * Moses * That Guy who played Moses * Sylvester Stallone * Indiana Jones * Luke Skywalker * Obi-Wan Kenobi * Madmartigan * Ted Nugent * Mike Nugent (Ted's Son) * Jack Bauer * Mickey Mouse * Alma College Cross Country * Master Chief * The Benzie Flash * America * Quagmire Noted Villains of the War of Independence Against All That it Stands for * Satan * The Baby Satan * Bears * Colbear * Bill Clinton * The Clenis * Hillary Clinton * Jane Fonda * Harrison Ford * Robert Redford * Hollywood * Democratic Party * Nancy Pelosi * Liberals * Communist Party * Mexico * Canada * Al Franken * Barbra Streisand * Harry Reid * Michael Moore * Bin Laden * N.A.T.O. * Jon Stewart * Preps * Hitler * Bill Gates(trying to break up Stephen and Milinda) Porn-Motivated Technology from the United States For the "gifts" America has given the world, please click here. Example: 'gifts' (Pam Anderson's Boobs);'inventions' (Fake Boobs) * The Colbert Report * The Internets * Camcorders * VHS tapes and Home Video Player/Recorders * Digital video * streaming on-line video * the NSA * satellite surveillance * Fried foods * wardrobe malfunctions * washing machines * anything from the Doc Johnson product line * hand lotion * computers * MySpace * IMs * Republican Congressmen * Gummy worms * The Donald * Webcams * Vasoline * Teen Holloween Non-Porn-Motivated Technology from the United States * Gary Coleman * Spell Checker * Movies based on Broadway plays/musicals or foreign movies or TV shows * Space Travel * War, war and war * weather manipulation Chemtrails * reality TV * unreality TV (see O'Reilly Factor) * the clapper * MIB * Talk radio *Everything Kickass *All sports, except Hockey, Basketball and Soccer *Guns *Beer * Potent Marijuana * Poor People * Outstanding Levees in New Orleans * HIV infected Hookers * Woody Allen * AIDS See Also * The History of The United States of America * Freedom External Tubes *America: Land of madness and insanity pharmaceutical wealth! *The 20 Best Things About America and Why it is The Greatest Nation on Earth! *America on decline America F@#k Yeah! *Terrorist sues America. America wins! F@#k Yeah! *People around the world wish they were Americans! *America doesnt need no geography *America's food *America will never fall! *Self-importance is good! *The Future of America: *Spoiler* *Poll agress: America is the Greatest Bestest Glorious Divine Free-est Country in The World *We are #1(1)!